on Libraries, Cayle Adams, and Neil Young.

One of These Days
from Neil Young's Harvest Moon.

One of these days,
I'm gonna sit down and write a long letter
To all the good friends I've known
And I'm gonna try
And thank them all for the good times together.
Though so apart we've grown.

One of these days,
I'm gonna sit down and write a long letter
To all the good friends I've known
One of these days, one of these days, one of these days,
And it won't be long, it won't be long.

And I'm gonna thank,
That old country fiddler
And all those rough boys
Who play that rock 'n' roll
I never tried to burn any bridges
Though I know I let some good things go.

One of these days,
I'm gonna sit down and write a long letter
To all the good friends I've known

One of these days, one of these days, one of these days,
And it won't be long, it won't be long.

From down in L.A.
All the way to Nashville,
From New York City
To my Canadian prairie home
My friends are scattered
Like leaves from an old maple.
Some are weak, some are strong.

One of these days,
I'm gonna sit down and write a long letter
To all the good friends I've known
One of these days, one of these days, one of these days,
And it won't be long, it won't be long.

One of these days, one of these days, one of these days,
And it won't be long, it won't be long.

flashes of a radiohead generation.

flashes of a wildcat pack.

Ossifer! I swear my mustache is real and no, I'm not wearing my cat sweater ironically.
It's just that I hear Sisyphus has a millisecond of triumph before his boulder comes tumbling--
I hear that magic-dust makes hair grow quickly; mine'll be long again soon. And Ossifer! I swear to drunk that time is a sing-song, that my manic ramblings are sing-songs. And mid-winter, warm-air, misting is a sing-song, like the kale I sautéd on my stove-top. Bandit! Throw on your spectacles 'cause it's a damn good day. Let your hair grow long with mine. We can memorize each other's favorites (first we can pretend we actually have favorites), and flash--
we can pretend we know each other, and flash--
we can wear mustache guises, and, Oh!
Our Manifesto of subversion.
We're just a wildcat pack. Too wild for our own goods. Too 'fraid to truly be lone.
(or maybe too wise) and flash--
togetherness is kinda beautiful, huh?

And I plan to be forgotten when I'm gone

[when I die]
can it be in the midwinter springtime?
(but not this midwinter springtime)
and will you let me burn before I'm buried?
before I'm scattered?
and will you celebrate my life?
(because funerals are morbid, and--, oh, and--)
will you play "Rollin' Back" by My Morning Jacket?
and will you laugh at my earnestness?
and will you laugh at my awkwardness?
and what will you remember?

(because I am sometimes land//sometimes ocean//sometimes land//sometimes ocean//sometimes land// sometimes--)

Østers i Vest from Sebastian Schuster-Rossel on Vimeo.

Oysters have pearls inside, you know.
(and our bodies do, too).

My prospective reading lists

are getting out of control.

to read academic:

1. Borderlands (La Frontera): The New Mestiza; Gloria Andaldúa
2. Strangers to Ourselves; Julia Kristeva
3. Of Hospitality; Jacques Derrida
4. Dialogue and Difference: Feminisms Challenge Globalization; ed. Margerite Waller and Sylvia Marcos
5. Just Advocacy?: Women's Human Rights, Transnational Feminisms, and the Politics of Representation; ed. Wendy S. Hesford, Wendy Kozol
6. Out Of Egypt: A Memoir; Andre Aicman
7. El fuego y la palabra: una historia del movimiento Zapatista; Gloria Muñoz Ramíre
8. Arrow of Chaos: Romanticism and Postmodernity; Ira Livingston
9. A People's History of the United States; Howard Zinn (I've read excerpts, but the entirety deserves my attention)
10. Democracy Matters; Cornel West
11. Race Matters; Cornel West
12. The American Evasion of Philosophy; Cornel West
13. Where We Stand: Class Matters; Bell Hooks
14. Yearning: Race, Gender, and Cultural Politics; Bell Hooks
15. The Ticklish Subject: The Absent Centre of Political Ontology; Slavoj Zizek
16. The History of a Literary Radical and Other Essays; Randolph Bourne
17. War and the Intellectuals, essays 1915-1919; Randolph Bourne
18. The Radical Will; Randolph Bourne (esp. the essay "The Undergraduate")

to read for fun (not that academic isn't fun; I actually put many texts on the academic list myself, for fun; but oh, you know-- this is still a different list)

1. Breath Eyes Memory; Edwidge Danticat
2. Krik? Krak!; Edwidge Danticat
3. Crescent; Diana Abu-Jaber
4. Arabian Jazz; Diana Abu-Jaber (I started but never finished)
5. The Unaccustomed Earth; Jumpa Lahiri (ditto)
   
6. Drown; Junot Díaz
7. Negocios; Junot Díaz
8. Marina; Carlos Ruiz Zafón (Gary- if you're reading; I promise to get it back to you soon!)
   
9. ¡Ya Basta!; Subcomandante Marcos
10. Off The Map
11. The Spell of the Sensuous; David Abram
12. The Botany of Desire: A Plant's-Eye View of the World; Michael Pollan
13. The Three Sisters; Anton Chekhov
14. Amusing Ourselves to Death: Public Discourse in the Age of Show Business; Neil Postman
15. An Unnatural Order: The Roots of our Destruction of Nature; Jim Mason
16. The Man Who Mistook His Wife For a Hat; Oliver Sacks
17. Awakenings; Oliver Sacks
18. The Mind's Eye; Oliver Sacks
19. The Color Purple; Alice Walker
20. Picture of Dorian Gray; Oscar Wilde
21. War and Peace; Leo Tolstoy
22. Thoughts in Solitude; Thomas Merton
23. The Seven Story Mountain; Thomas Merton
24. Sula; Toni Morrison

-----
(I'd still welcome all your suggestions).

And Corporations own our Languages--

Mars Co. (via Snickers) is making up words, and pasting them on packages:

NOUGATOCITY- n.
A heightened yet fleeting state of accomplishment that makes you realize how unbelievably unmotivated you usually are.

.

Laughable//laughably pathetic.

(at least it didn't say 'unproductive,' because the world seems so far away from my capitalism-critiquing soapbox).

do your waters run deep, my darlin

where they don't run wide?

I used to feel lonely amongst the root systems, but now I see that even (some) root systems feel lonely amongst the (other) root systems.

...And what good are isolating mental matrices when this is what's happening in the world?
(How am I supposed to concentrate on school, or on my internal wheels when The Global makes me feel so sad/small?)
why am I here? why am I here? what am I doing?

And another thing.

"The poet and the dreamer are distinct. Diverse, sheer opposite, antipodes. One pours out a balm upon the world, the other vexes it."

FROM John Keats' "The Fall of Hyperion"

----

In his dream, the speaker visits Moneta, the goddess of memory. He swears he's a poet. Oh, and she swears he's wrong.

(I will never be a poet).

----

There are two kinds of chaos: commotion, yes, but also the void. Today concluded with a sinking feeling of the latter. And I know this sadness is temporary, but the realization doesn't seem to be helping, because it's temporary-ness that's making me sad in the first place.

How am I supposed to 'vex' it when my agency's conditional--out of (my) control?

suspended (in the visceral).

"In Speak, Memory, Mabokov makes the poetic, or the playful speculation that Russian children before the Revolution--and his exile--were blessed with a surfeit of sensual impressions to compensate them for what was to come. Of course, fate doesn't play such premonitory games, but memory can perform retrospective maneuvers to compensate for fate. Loss is a magical preservative" (emphasis mine).

FROM Lost In Translation: A life in a New Language (1989)

via: Hoffman, Eva. "The New Nomads." Letters of Transit: Reflections on Exile, Identity, Language, and Loss. ed. André Aciman. New York: The New Press, 1999.

sunday--

1. My first time at the Episcopal Church in Athens, with Ms. Kelley McArthur and farm friends. I was incredibly impressed.
2. Philosophical ponderings/general orneriness with Mr. Kelly Latimore (who gifted me the beautiful book of Chilean poetry and prose, pictured above).
3. Chit-chats with Ms. Morky Magic.
   
4. Skype with my music-making-soul-brother, who is going somewhere big; just you see.
5. Thesis. Thesis. Thesis.
6. Arcade Fire. Arcade Fire. Arcade Fire.
7. ice cream sandwiches.

(a good day)
-----
EL VERDADERO PROBLEMA
de la Filosofía.
(Nicanor Parra)

es quién lava los platos
nada del otro mundo
Dios
la verdad
el transcurso del tiempo
claro que sí
pero primero quién lava los platos

el que quiera lavarlos que los lave
chao pescao
y tan enemigos como ante

(THE GREAT ENIGMA/ of philosophy/ is who's going to wash the dishes/ it isn't life after death/ God/ Truth/ the passage of time/ [these things] of course/ but first who's going to wash the dishes
he who wants to wash them, let him wash them/ later alligator/ and true enemies forever).

departure/suspension/missing.

Sometimes i look at old photographs, and swear I don't recognize my own face.
and I know my weight fluctuates and my hair is always different and lately I've been make-up free, but that's not it really--
it's the eyes.
the eyes are different.

and maybe all I've got is change and maybe we're all scattering and--
oh, safe travels.

Thesis work isn't so grueling

When the light-bulb hits and you realize all you really need is more theory on the feminization of Chaos.

And when your thesis adviser points you to exactly the perfect text for said theory.

And when you are sitting outside, reading on College Green for the first time since fall.

This sundress may be too short for such a breezy day, but the warm wind on my legs feels so good that I don't care.

Winter was a grumpy introspective tunnel, and this is the light: 2 applications for post-graduation programs in this week, a completed annotated bibliography and research proposal, a preparedness to finally make-manifest some of my ideas in writing, and some Vitamin D that isn't coming from a dietary supplement.

Welcome, spring.

words Microscoft Word tells me aren't words.

1. liminal
2. situationally
3. intersex
4. intranationally (strangely; it accepts "internationally" as a word--go figure).
5. intersectionality
6. transnationalist
7. transnationalism

There's a word in Spanish I've always loved: ensimismamiento
the definition is: concentrándose en los propios pensamientos.
(and a loose English translation would be: a noun for the action of two beings' uniting themselves in each other's thoughts, which become the same thought).

My parents call it "minds touching."
And there's a pretty sweet Stephen Dunn poem about it, too.
Ensimismarse is the verb, and ensimismado is the participle--but get this: ensimismado, the participle, is also used as a noun to mean the person whose mind touches yours. (Ensimismada would be the female equivalent).

That word doesn't exist in English. I'm not so sure the person exists outside of language, either. Maybe for moments, but not for a lifetime.

Love isn't thinking the same way; it's caring enough to commit to trying to understand.

Transnationalism, on the other hand, is very real.
And so is liminality. Oh, liminality. I can feel it.

channeling my inner Morky Magic.

I miss you more than you know.

music for the morning// paste it together.

music by Shelly Short. video from youtube.

Lost and Found

I thought I lost my mother's loon hat.
She had had it since I was an infant.
It was also the warmest, most comfortable, most quirky hat I had ever seen.
Not to mention, the most clever: "I'm loony on the head!"
I was so sad.
So sad I was about to settle for something like this:


But heya, hat--we've been through a lot together. And I'm glad you're back. Though the gender subversion might have been fun.

xo

loon hat photo by Leslie Albanese is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License. other photos from here.

vibrations.

Am I going manic?
Have I been manic?

Flip-book flashes:
Exile, liminal suspension, permanent transience.
And I'm hanging to André Aciman's "compulsive retrospection" like it's: involuntary, irregular, inevitable (?), and BODILY.
Signifying lack of agency, even in memory.

And I wish I spoke French, just so I could read Michel Foucault, untranslated. Because I'm self-surveiling and contemplating madness.
And I wish I could channel all these whirling thoughts.
(I swear, I'm on the brink again//oh, have I gone backwards?//oh to be on the brink, on the brink, on the brink again--)
Flash: the-absent-I, Flash: language is laughing, Flash: corporations as "generational voices" and ah, postmodern-disenchantment Flashing like: having answers is the wrong answer.

Been drinking dark roast, straight and black, for the past week. And I swear a collection of recent situational occurrences have some undecipherable interconnection. Like the world is screaming, but the words are mute, and all I sense are vibrations.
vibrations.
vibrations.

(What the hell is up with me?)

vibrations. by Leslie Albanese is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

so many epiphanies.

not enough language for them.
yeah, and I get it.
yeah, and I'm happy
yeah, and it's beginning to show.

so many by Leslie Albanese is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

10 Laws

lyrics by East Forest
photo mine.

1. Always see the dangers first
2. Always protect your feet
3. Always be ready for cold
4. Always be ready for heat
5. Always know where a good water resource is
6. Always master the skills necessary
7. Always get the job done
8. Always know your place
9. Always disallow foolishness
10. Always rest whenever you can

Plans.

I am so excited for the Capuchin Franciscan Volunteer Corps program I am applying for! Ahh, I want it with my whole heart! Today, I spoke on the phone with a woman in charge of volunteer placement, and she had all the right answers:

1. The program isn't exclusively Catholic; they accept people of all faith backgrounds, and atheists, too. They seek volunteers who are open to new ideas/expressions of spirituality--people who can have intentional dialogue about Justice and Service and Community, who are respectful of others' visions. It goes without saying that the program does not attempt to indoctrinate. Rather, it seeks to build community and promote justice through the humble love and service of others. That simple.

2. In addition to Service, Community, and Justice, the fundamental value of the Franciscans is Simplicity. Typically, Franciscans live in intentional poverty, and give all their energy and resources to others. Maybe it's my tendency towards nostalgia, but I find myself collecting things always--for the memory and sentimental attachment-- and lately I've been trying to let things go. Boaz always writes c/o on his possessions, instead of just his name, to remind himself that he owns nothing; he is just "in care of" things. I have been consciously trying to appropriate this mindset lately, and I think I could really benefit from living an intentional community that collectively practices modesty.

3. Cap Corps places volunteers in one of three spaces: Peru, Nicaragua, and Panama. They work with various NGO's in those areas. One NGO in Nicaragua--the one I feel like would be the perfect fit for me--works with community members to implement sustainable agricultural practices. They've been installing solar panels that have helped local communities be more self-sustaining. Anyways, get this: the NGO's mission statement highlights gender politics. It acknowledges patriarchal power structures (known in Latin America as "machismo") and promotes intentional conversation about gender politics at play on a communal, micro-level, as well as those at play on a more global level. So wait? I'd be working on a farm, implementing organic farming and sustainable agricultural practices, and discussing eco-feminism--in Latin America, practicing my Spanish for a year and a half after college? Yes, yes I would...

I've studied the Liberal/Radical (I tend to relate more to radical than to liberal politics, to be honest) priests whose championing of social justice profoundly shaped liberation movements. It would be an honor to actually meet some of them.

Now I just have to pray that it will actually happen.
And I have to make it through the next 3 months. (Capstone, Seminar, Thesis, Internship).

Plans by Leslie Albanese is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

faithful, 100%

Is there a vegetarian alternative to eating ones elephant one bite at a time?
Because this obligatory beast's been with me, through and through.

photo credit: here.