series of nightmares last night that all could have fit into a bad slasher flick: storm, bodies spewed, creepy nurse, car that wouldn't work, 911 call that wouldn't go through, etc.

miserable.

bone thin bone.

"we sing as the sky falls down
we sing as the sky collapses
and make what we can of it
it's ok
we're all going to end up dead and gone."
--Tunng, "Hands"
.
temporary-ness.
everything.
hopelessly, not my own.
flashings else's.
fleetings dyings-off.
and I'm left
only one?
the only--
only?
bone thin bone.


I'm not afraid of disappearing.
Just afraid of everything else
Leaving before I'm gone.

after a long cry/I feel.

Winter in Gold River
by Catie Rosemurgy

Pretty girl. The weather has knocked her down again

and given her to the lake to wear as a skin.

Why am I always being the weather?
There were days in the winter

when her smile was so lovely I felt

the breathing of my own goodness,

though it remained fetal and separate.

I was a scavenger who survives

with a sling and stones, but whose god

nonetheless invents the first small bright bird.

And it was like flight to bring food to her lips

with a skeletal hand. But now she will always

be naked and sad. She will be what happens

to lake water that is loved and is also

shallow enough. The thickening, the slowing,

the black blood of it, the check opened

to reveal the inevitable heart attack.

God, the silence of the chamber

we watch from. What happens to water

that isn't loved? It undergoes processes.

It freezes beside traffic.

But the reaching out to all sides at once,

the wet closing of what was open?
That is a beautiful woman.

So of course I stand and stare, never able

to pinpoint the exact moment I killed her.

floating? falling?

1. Fear of trapped.
2. Fear of future.
3. Fear of loneliness.
4. Fear of failure.
5. Fear of unconsummated talent.
6. Fear of too much.
7. Fear of not enough.
8. Fear of boxes.
9. Fear of being ripped from boxes.
10. Fear of language.
11. Fear of finality.
12. Fear of change.
13. Fear of rejection.
14. Fear of never-ending tiredness.
15. Fear of peaking.
16. And slipping.
17. And disappointing.
18. And disappearing.
19. Fear of forgetfulness.
20. Fear of losing perspective.
    
21. (Fear of unaware irony).
22. Fear of money.
23. Fear of apocalypse.
24. Fear of mindlessness.
25. Fear of rabbit holes.
    
26. Fear of being too afraid to jump them.
27. Fear of losing agency.
28. Fear of history repeating.
29. Fear of arbitrariness.
30. Fear of being too small.

"There were always in me, two women at least, one woman desperate and bewildered, who felt she was drowning and another who would leap into a scene, as upon a stage, conceal her true emotions because they were weaknesses, helplessness, despair, and present to the world only a smile, a eagerness, curiosity, enthusiasm, interest."
-Anais Nin.

(Wholly honest; I am terrified).