bone thin bone.

"we sing as the sky falls down
we sing as the sky collapses
and make what we can of it
it's ok
we're all going to end up dead and gone."
--Tunng, "Hands"
.
temporary-ness.
everything.
hopelessly, not my own.
flashings else's.
fleetings dyings-off.
and I'm left
only one?
the only--
only?
bone thin bone.


I'm not afraid of disappearing.
Just afraid of everything else
Leaving before I'm gone.

friday

and trying.

just woke up from a dream about my thesis.

...it's gonna be a good day.

----
UPDATE: I wrote that sardonically, but it really has been a good day. Just to put this thing in perspective, I have a 20 page theoretical introduction to my actual work, and an additional 4 pages (4 pages!) of Work Cited. yikes.

don't forget the flowers, someday

[i know you will].

Our memories are such selective mischief-makers, aren't they?

here's to:

1. big-bully/silly-momma/the vampire-in-the-chair game
2. fox and the chicken
3. ghost-folks on first and second
4. sun salutations in the wee hours
5. rock hounds
6. and historic mounds
7. and hand-me-down ice-skates
8. newspaper routes
9. homemade playdough
10. looms
11. and yarn
12. and rock tumblers
13. red wagon race
14. bags on my feet
15. letters from TF
16. meteor-watchin' past bed-time
17. bonzettes
18. Daley-Poe, and L-Poe and Little-Poe, too
19. craft sales and
20. library summer reading programs
21. butterfly netting
22. firefly catching
23. wrestling matching
24. living-room performances
25. and spies out the way-back
26. mmmm i wanna linger
27. ya skunk
28. wanna Scrambled Dog?
29. beat ya in the clean-plate-club

Cat Stevens' "Trouble"

Is still the saddest, most heart-wrenching thing I've ever felt/heard.
And I can't take it off repeat.

Caitlin

dedicated me some love.

viva wildpack.

I'm a tornado.

You are the dust. You're all around, and you're inside.

You are the nature, I'm the roar that comes from you.

I'm a tornado, you are the fences that will fall

But still surround me.

I'm a tornado.
I'm a tornado.
I'm a tornado.

(words by Sharon Van Etten).

Queen Victoria and Prince Albert.

the real thing.

Riding for the Feeling.

[thank you, Adam, for giving me something to muse me through my constant separation anxiety with space and relationship. Love ya, Ricky].



It's never easy to say goodbye
To the faces
So rarely do we see another one
So close and so long

I asked the room if I'd said enough
No one really answered
They just said, "Don't go, don't go"
Well all this leaving is neverending

I kept hoping for one more question
Or for someone to say,
"Who do you think you are?"
So I could tell them

With intensity, the drop evaporates by law
In conclusion, leaving is easy
When you've got some place you need to be
I'm giving up this gig for another seaon

With the TV on mute
I'm listening back to the tapes
On the hotel bed
My my my apocalypse

I realized I had said very little about ways or wheels
Or riding for the feeling
Riding for the feeling
Is the fastest way to reach the shore

On water or land
Riding for the feeling

What if I had stood there at the end
And said again and again and again and again and again
An answer to every question
Riding for the feeling

Would that have been a suitable goodbye?

I'm ok

in truth I say.

Sor Juana Ines de la Cruz (New Spain, 1648-1695)

En perseguirme, mundo, ¿que interesas?
¿En que te ofendo, cuando solo intento
poner bellezas en mi entendimiento
y no mi entendimiento en las bellezas?

Yo no estimo tesoros ni riquezas;
y asi, siempre me causa mas contento
poner riquezas en mi pensamiento
que no mi pensamiento en las riquezas.

Y no estimo hermosura que, vencida,
es despojo civil de las edades,
ni riqueza me agrada fementida,

teniendo por mejor, en mis verdades,
consumir vanidades de la vida
que consumir la vida en vanidades

too-real, beautiful things.

Japanese Cherry Blossoms only bloom for a week or so, and they're lining Athens at the moment.
There's something heart-wrenching (and beautiful) about ethereality/temporariness.

To take on the world at all angles (requires a strength)

There's this old Southeast Engine song from their One Caught Fire EP (before they even had a studio album, let alone five) that they never play anymore. Actually, I don't have any memory of them playing it ever, but I wasn't around in the beginning beginning. And anyways, it's called Nothing's Wrong, and there's this haunting way Rem says:
"but I swear there's nothing wrong at all. there's nothing wrong at all. there's nothing wrong."

that always gets to me.

The first time I heard it I was a sophomore in high school and Frances (an eighth grader) said, "I can't tell if he means it"

And now maybe everything and nothing is wrong simultaneously. Maybe things are so wrong, that wrong is right. Maybe I'll say Nothing's Wrong, and let you decide if you believe me. It won't make any difference either way.

after a long cry/I feel.

Winter in Gold River
by Catie Rosemurgy

Pretty girl. The weather has knocked her down again

and given her to the lake to wear as a skin.

Why am I always being the weather?
There were days in the winter

when her smile was so lovely I felt

the breathing of my own goodness,

though it remained fetal and separate.

I was a scavenger who survives

with a sling and stones, but whose god

nonetheless invents the first small bright bird.

And it was like flight to bring food to her lips

with a skeletal hand. But now she will always

be naked and sad. She will be what happens

to lake water that is loved and is also

shallow enough. The thickening, the slowing,

the black blood of it, the check opened

to reveal the inevitable heart attack.

God, the silence of the chamber

we watch from. What happens to water

that isn't loved? It undergoes processes.

It freezes beside traffic.

But the reaching out to all sides at once,

the wet closing of what was open?
That is a beautiful woman.

So of course I stand and stare, never able

to pinpoint the exact moment I killed her.

5 words (that keep) breaking my heart:

"This is simply too much"

-My thesis adviser.

(I keep visualizing this like that scene in Babes In Toyland where the one turns to the other and say "so close and yet so far," to which his friend replies, "it wasn't so far," haha).

this is my "you can do it" theme song:

minutia in a happy life:

1. Serendipitous run-ins and thinkings of each other.
2. The way a space comes alive after a stagnant, too-long, winter.
   
3. The best damned French toast I ever did have with Geoff Odiorne (c/o: Crumbs bread + farm fresh eggs + pure organic vanilla extract + freshly ground cardamon pods + totally rad/totally real maple syrup).
   
4. The Oxford English Dictionary.
5. Walking
6. Bicycles
7. Books
8. oh, oh, music--
   
9. Drives away from here.
10. and drives back home

gratefulness

is the warm calming of restlessness that transpires
when you see a familiar face
at precisely the right moment
to keep you from breaking. And gratefulness is
in exchanges--languages--
that face---until time becomes
immeasurable again.

one nation, under corporate rule

I plan, I plan, I plan

God laughs, God laughs, God laughs.

(sometimes beautiful surprises come).