30-loves list. (for Dale). (and also for myself).

1. Love of family.
2. Love of friendship, that becomes a kind-of family.
3. Love of the way we can be many different things to each other.
4. Love of farm stillness.
5. And farm movement.
6. And love of knowing that I might plant the garlic, but I do not make the garlic grow.
7. Love of service.
8. Love of the humility that allows oneself to be served by another.
   
9. Love of the capacity for reinventions.
   
10. Love of second chances, with things right in front of you.
11. Love of saying sorry.
    
12. Love of music, and the way it shares things between people (the way it shares things between the multiple people in one person).
    
13. Love of moments when I recognize I'm human.
14. Love of my cat Comet.
15. And my old cat Chewy (rest in peace).
16. Love of the people who have passed--physically, or emotionally--from my life, for they are and always will be a present part of who I am.
17. That is, Love of the way Love lingers, even when bodies and hearts do not.
    
18. Love of functioning in a Communion of Saints.
    
19. And of the Joy and value in little pleasures and safeties.
20. Love of my body (on a good day).
21. And my spirit (on a good day).
    
22. Love in strength and flexibility (but not malleability).
23. Love of the way I am big and small in a world that is big and small.
24. Love of warm things.
25. Love of the intimacy allowing one to speak a coded language, that only one more understands.
26. Love of spending a lifetime, almost knowing one another.
    
27. And the way that people return to each other after miscommunications to try to communicate again; their persistence shows a caring language cannot capture.
    
28. Love of deep peace.
29. Love of not taking oneself too seriously.
    
30. Serious Love.

floating? falling?

1. Fear of trapped.
2. Fear of future.
3. Fear of loneliness.
4. Fear of failure.
5. Fear of unconsummated talent.
6. Fear of too much.
7. Fear of not enough.
8. Fear of boxes.
9. Fear of being ripped from boxes.
10. Fear of language.
11. Fear of finality.
12. Fear of change.
13. Fear of rejection.
14. Fear of never-ending tiredness.
15. Fear of peaking.
16. And slipping.
17. And disappointing.
18. And disappearing.
19. Fear of forgetfulness.
20. Fear of losing perspective.
    
21. (Fear of unaware irony).
22. Fear of money.
23. Fear of apocalypse.
24. Fear of mindlessness.
25. Fear of rabbit holes.
    
26. Fear of being too afraid to jump them.
27. Fear of losing agency.
28. Fear of history repeating.
29. Fear of arbitrariness.
30. Fear of being too small.

"There were always in me, two women at least, one woman desperate and bewildered, who felt she was drowning and another who would leap into a scene, as upon a stage, conceal her true emotions because they were weaknesses, helplessness, despair, and present to the world only a smile, a eagerness, curiosity, enthusiasm, interest."
-Anais Nin.

(Wholly honest; I am terrified).

Fifi picked out my/Frances'/xixi's bridesmaid dresses!

ah, so excited!

(now all I need is a wedding date, haha--and maybe an exercise routine)

cosmia/nausia

-"Whirlwind of Lovers," by William Blake.

"when you ate I saw your eyelashes

saw them shake like wind on rushes

in the corn field when she called me

moths surround me - thought they'd drown me

and I miss your precious heart..."

-"Cosmia," by Joanna Newsom.

---

I cannot tell if the universe is getting bigger or smaller as I grow.

Sometimes I am blanketed in quiet excitement. Sometimes my hands disappear. Sometimes I see nothing but the chaotic matrix. Sometimes I am alone.

Alabama, Arkansas

I finally came home.

frustrated with the spanish music scene.

after an entire day listening to really horrible (I mean, really horrible) Spanish music, in feeble attempts to trigger the Spanish flip in my brain, I finally stumbled on the Spanish indie scene...

...and the only artist I really liked was a woman under the moniker "Russian Red."

...who sings in English :/

for Dale.

For Dale (photos and artwork) by Leslie Albanese is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

music

1. speaks
2. transcends
3. heals
4. awakens
5. connects
6. feels
7. channels
   
8. moves
9. displaces
10. vexes.
    

Action! "Sandpiper" (Official Video) from Action! on Vimeo.

Action! "Remember This One" (Open Call Video Submission by Seth Graves) from Action! on Vimeo.

a new day.

Beirut - Elephant Gun from Alma Har'el on Vimeo.

(I think I'm waking up again).

disappearing.

(but I feel so heavy).

photos by Francesca Woodman.

(introduced to me by Mel Cheraso).

..

6 years

today.
breathing.

when you're on the struggle bus.

Blue Sky Blues beats Sky Blue Sky.
Every time.

(Ryan Adams'll get me through; he always gets me through).

Just one near-perfect thing.

"If I could do just one near-perfect thing, I'd be happy.

They'd write it on my grave, or when they scattered my ashes.

On second thoughts-- I'd rather hang around and

be there with my best friend if she wants me"

-Belle and Sebastian, from IF SHE WANTS ME

..

Dissonance: n. A tension or clash resulting from the combination of two disharmonious or unsuitable elements.

Meta- Meta- Meta --- dancing.

Have you ever been simultaneously a character in your own dream, and a third-person, omni-present dreamer? Not a dream where the dreamer is a character, but a dream where the dreamer is distinct from the dream and you are the dreamer but also in the dream. I have them often, and oftentimes they carry over when I wake up-- so I am experiencing and watching myself experience at the same time. Self critiquing while being. Fully engaged in my actions, and their results, but also fully distinct from them.

This is dissonance; sometimes land // sometimes ocean. This is the artist's tension. The observing hand. This is the lodging between ethereal and corporal: suspension somewhere--ambivalent-- in-between. --

Like mid-winter springtime.

Like on-the-brink again.

....

I'm gonna go buy some yogurt. (That's exactly my point).

Hunger is as corporal, but also as real as it comes. And thinking, no matter how precious

doesn't taste like Plain Greek Yogurt with Strawberries.

oh, brother! birthday!

(I am shocked and shocked again, by all the beautiful people in my life).

Gary is totally cheesing here. Love it. (Also, Gary! proof! You really love Frances!):
Tim monopolizing my sister :) (just kidding, Tim):
I am a whole awkward head above Ashley:
This photo sums up our relationship perfectly:

Oh, brother! birthday! (photos) by Leslie Albanese is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

Melanie Cheraso on running.

L: --I'm afraid I'm running from something.
M: --Why do you have to be running from something? Maybe you're not running from anything at all. Maybe it has nothing to do with where you were and where you're going. Maybe you just really need to run.